Little Moments

I think the best part about being alone, really alone, is the time I have to actually think about things I wouldn't want or try to think about if I was surrounded by people. Thinking can feel like daggers digging into your body and soul, or it can feel uplifting and insightful. For me, it's been both these days. I try and make things I want come too fast instead of allowing myself to live in each moment and realize that they will happen when they're meant to happen. I hate being blamed for things I feel like I don't do, but if the person that loves you and knows you the most thinks you do it, then are you just denying it to yourself? I think so. I hate saying hurtful things when I really just mean to say what I mean. I hate allowing my emotions to control my actions, and I hate having to take responsibility for those lapses. I may just be fucked up, but can we please just realize what is happening? Can I finally let go of the past and just be happy? Can I ever just get the fuck over it? Or is there too much hurt and I can't face it? But I don't think that's it. I think that I need to grow up a little, and realize that this is it, this is the moment when I change for good. This is the moment that I allow myself to be that girl I used to be before the hurt, and if it backfires and the past repeats itself, it's time to walk away.